Jesus Christ: The Legend Revealed
by Spanky Q. McPifferson
Summary: An unfiltered look at the events leading up to, including, and following the crucifixion of everyone's favorite Biblical bad-ass.
1. A Motley Crew

"So little time, so much yet to do." Jesus muttered to himself quietly as he strode down the dusty road to Jerusalem. "Apostles of God, keep strong; for the heavens will soon provide us with food and shelter."

It was becoming increasingly more difficult to keep his men moving these days. Jesus wondered, as does any shepherd when his sheep are under duress from predators, how these devoted followers would fare after he had returned from whence he came.

"My Lord," James moaned, "how much longer must we wait before we are given bread and enjoying the warm bosom of a woman?"

"Lord," chimed in his brother, "why not use your powers on our behalf that we may rest beneath the shade of a tree and partake of wine, bread, and figs of your making?"

James and John. How aptly their nickname "Sons of Thunder" fit them.

Barely able to hide his irritation, Jesus tried to respond with restraint. "Faithful brothers, you well know that the power of the Holy Ghost is not meant for marketplace tricks or self-serving means. May the patience of Job be manifest in all of us this day, for we shall soon be at the city where all things must occur."

Murmuring under their breath, the brothers picked up their pace. There was a determination within them spurred on by both frustration and sense of duty. Hours crawled by in silence, and the crucible of the hot mid-day passed.

Breaking the silence with a start, Bartholomew bellowed much too loudly, "Lord, I beseech you, please let us pause, for I have snapped a sandal strap and I feel something powerful coming over me."

"What is it you feel? Is it a vision of the holiness that awaits us?", Peter asked, his mind on higher spiritual glory as always.

"No Pete," he answered, "I just need to fix my sandal, take a lunatic wizz and possibly snap off a log or two."

Among his twelve, Bartholomew was always the most likely to provide vexation for Jesus. Between his apparent disregard of proper volume control and general social ineptitude, he regularly tested the patience of all the in the group.

"Bart-bro," Jesus placed a hand on his face, pondering a way to mush him onwards. "Become the holiness and self-control that King David was when he spared the life of wicked King Saul, and use that self-control to tighten thy bladder and sphincter. For in the paradise of heaven that awaits you, your small bladder and irritable bowel syndrome shall be no more."

Bartholomew nodded, furrowing his brow. "Lord, I will squeeze my innards as tightly as I can and continue on, for the glory of your name. But I must know, what is this 'sphincter' and 'irritable bowel syndrome' you speak of? Is it a curse? A dark word of anger from the Devil himself?" He shouted, cacophonous as usual.

_Damn! I must be tired today. I almost never slip up and use future terms with these people._ Jesus cringed at his blunder_. Must... do... damage… control… and not bite off Bart's head._

"The Lord works in mysterious ways my brother." Jesus tried to assuage his worry, but the sincerity was lacking. "All things will be made clear when the time is right. Have faith o' loyal Bartholomew!"

"Our Lord speaks truth, Bartholomew son of Talemai. I've no doubt that the wisdom and glory of the heavens themselves, the abode of our Lord, will soon bless our souls!" Chimed in Peter energetically.

Finally losing his cool, the outspoken Phillip ranted. "For crap's sake guys! Can we just get moving again? I want to be drinking wine, balls deep in some temple prostitute's snatch before this day has ended."

Content with the ensuing silence, Jesus continued leading his apostles to Jerusalem; where his destiny would determine the fate of mankind.


	2. Apostalic Crunch Time

With sunset soon approaching and the city now in sight Jesus held up his right hand, indicating a pause in travel.

"My loyal brothers, before we can complete our mission there are a few items that need to be attended to. I shall speak to each of you in private to provide instructions and guiding words for when I am gone." He announced.

"Bart, since you hath held your bodily urges so well on this journey, I will speak with thee first. I will also provide thee a gift. Now let us walk out of earshot and let our brothers rest their dusty feet. Come." He beckoned him to wild growth on the other side of the road.

Once satisfactorily distanced from the other eleven, Jesus began to unfold his special task for the Aspergers-riddled Bartholomew.

"Bartholomew, Bartoculus, Bart-man, Farty-Barty, I have a task for you. After you have relieved yourself, you are to go into the city and shout all about with a loud voice saying 'the Lord of Lords is coming and needs ass'. My powers shall cause a comely Jewish maiden to bring forth to you a donkey. Bless her as you see fit, then bring the animal back to me on the road."

"Yes Lord, it would be my honor!" Bartholomew half-shouted.

"Thank you Bart. For your faith and efforts I shall now bestow a gift upon you." Jesus said as he bent to the ground and cupped some earth in his hands.

Summoning the near limitless power of the Holy Ghost, Jesus' hands began to glow as if they were the morning sun itself. Bartholomew squinted; barely able to keep his eyes open to the light. His mouth hung agape as he witnessed the soil take shape above the Lord's hands.

"My gift to you Bart." Jesus said calmly as the light faded. His hands appeared as they did before his wielding of power, but now were holding an object.

"What is it my Lord? A small golden shovel?" Bartholomew queried excitedly.

"This artifact shall be known as the 'Poo-Trowel of Bartholomew the Brave'. From this time on, when the urge strikes, you will be able to instantly dig a hole to squat in with this blessed utensil." Jesus explained as he handed the shiny golden gift to his most annoying apostle. "Now go, get the donkey I spoke of, using the words I instructed you with."

With a bow, Bartholomew hurriedly scurried off to Jerusalem. Calmly returning to the road, Jesus then summoned Peter to be the next of the twelve to receive his counsel.

Upon reaching the privacy of the bush he spoke. "Peter, among my twelve, you are the most spiritually obsessive. I have two words for you: rock and cock."

"Yes, yes my Lord, by the power of the rock I will deny my cock of all worldly pleasures." He jumped in, his words picking up pace as his zeal kicked into overdrive. "I shall live by these words all of my days. I do swear this upon—."

"Listen Pete, you borderline delusional fisherman of Bethsaida." Jesus cut him off, irritated. "Let me break this down for you. Very soon, before a cock crows, you will deny my acquaintance three times. You will also be a rock- a cornerstone; my holy temple and all my followers to come will be built upon you." Jesus explained in a matter-of-fact manner.

"My Lord, I will never disown you!" Peter exclaimed, horrified. "I will be your holiest of holy rocks. Blessed be this heavenly day and—."

"Yeah ok, thanks Pete. Now if you don't mind I have ten more of you to kibitz with." Interrupted Jesus again, already walking back to the road.

Returning to the dusty road again, Jesus was approached by the conceited sons of Zebedee. With an air of indignance, the elder of the two brothers spoke up. "Lord, are not John and I to sit at your right and left hand in the kingdom of the heavens? Why disrespect our position by first speaking with small-bladder-Bart and Loony-Pete?"

"Have no fear brotherly brothers, for I will deal with you two next. No need for privacy though." Jesus said with obvious annoyance.

Jesus then raised both arms, one palm facing James, the other facing John.

"YIPPEE KI YAY!" He bellowed, shaking the very ground they stood on as glowing blue beams of raw energy volleyed forth in bursts from his outstretched palms. It scorched the brothers and the ground around them until they appeared to be both dancing and having a seizure at once from the holy sting.

Jesus finally closed his fists, effectively ending the onslaught, and left the brothers both aching and bewildered. Jesus then calmly requested a private audience with Thomas.

"My Lord," Thomas meekly asked, "is the same in store for the rest of us?"

"I doubt it Thomas, so you should doubt it too." He replied with a serenity missing from his previous actions.

One-by-one, Jesus then privately spoke with the eight remaining apostles, telling them the things they needed to hear to get them through the things to come. The solemn group then set up camp and welcomed back Bartholomew when he returned with the donkey. The quiet sky added further to the silence of the men; all lost deep in their own thoughts.


	3. They See Me Rollin', They Hatin'

With the sun rising, Jesus and his band of men gathered their belongings. Conversation was limited to some small talk and a few nervous farts as they prepared to make their way towards the city. Knowing that today would be a special day, Jesus put on his finest linens and instructed James and John to bathe the donkey he was to ride. After these things, Jesus then mounted the animal, leading his followers into Jerusalem.

As they approached the entrance to the city, the men saw a large crowd of people waiting. Having heard that the Lord of the Jews himself was coming to town, the people had converged onto the main street. As Jesus made his way through the masses, many laid down their garments for him to ride upon. Others were heard shouting praises, crying out that 'the Lord has come!'. Still others waved palm branches and threw their babies into the air with excitement. Taking it all in stride, as only the human embodiment of the Trinity could, Jesus kept his game face on. He steadily made his way to the temple to have a showdown with his arch rivals: the corrupt Pharisees.

Upon entering the temple, Jesus instructed his apostles to take the rest of the day off. "Eat, drink, relax, have heterosexual relations with whatever holy sluts of the Lord are open for business this day." He commanded without even looking at them. "I shall handle the Pharisees myself, and then we shall regroup tomorrow." He told them they would meet back the following day at his favorite restaurant in town: _Gourmet by Gilgamesh_.

The apostles then scattered like young Jewish boys at the yarmulke shop for the first time, eager to get some rest and relaxation. Judas however, had other matters to attend to...

Just as the mini Diaspora occurred, the scowling Pharisee posse approached from the opposite side of the temple.

"So it is the self-proclaimed king of the Jews himself, Jesus of Nazareth." The Pharisee called Crunkilton hissed.

Standing with legs apart and hands on his well-girded hips, Jesus flatly responded. "Yes, I am he."

"Answer me this Jew-Lord," snarled a shorter, more rotund Pharisee that went by the name of Dodson. "If you are indeed king, is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"

Knowing that answering with a 'yes' would offend and anger the Jews (as they despised the Roman subjugation they were under) and knowing that answering 'no' would plainly mark him as being guilty of sedition in front of a crowd, Jesus took a deep breath and calmly replied. "Hypocrites, why do you test me? Bring me a coin and I will give you an answer."

A lesser Pharisee by the name of Rufus then opened his money pouch and flipped Jesus the requested coin.

"Filthy fornicating flatulent phony Pharisees… tell me, whose image and markings appear on this coin?" Spat Jesus.

"That's Caesar, even an Ethiopian eunuch would know that." Crunkilton answered smugly.

"Correct. Therefore, pay back Caesar's things to Caesar and the Lord's things to the Lord." Jesus effortlessly replied. "Nice try though."

"Very well then carpenter's son," an obviously frustrated Dodson said, "answer me this: two fathers and two sons go fishing for the day and catch three fish. Commenting to the other father, one says 'perfect, we caught just enough for all of us'. How can this be possible, o' self-proclaimed Jew-master?"

"The men you speak of are a grandfather, his son, and his grandson. Two fathers, three people, and one fish for each. Don't bring that weak crap when you're in my temple Dodson." Jesus retorted in a bored tone. "Oh and Dodson? Tell your mother that Johnny Dangleballs says 'hi'." He winked, cocking a finger in Dodson's direction.

Realizing their plans of entrapment had been foiled, the grumbling Pharisees dispersed. Deciding to bide their time, they hope that their top secret plan B will work out for them.


	4. The Last Supper Yo

When Jesus and his twelve met up the day following the temple showdown, all are feeling rejuvenated for the trials and tribulations to come. As they made their way into the restaurant, Jesus informed the hostess that 'Christ, party of thirteen' have arrived.

"Right this way." The attractive Gentile woman gestured as she led them up a flight of stairs to a private room.

Gently elbowing the strangely silent-as-of-late Judas, Phillip quietly remarked. "Would you look at the humps on that camel? Man, I would mazal tizzle all over her nizzles, Je-sus!"

Upon hearing his name, Jesus turned to him. "Yes my son?"

"Oh… it was… nothing my Lord." Phillip stammered as they continued up the stairs.

The upper room Jesus reserved had a classy, lounge-like feel; perfect for the things that needed to be said. The apostles were quite pleased with the setting and even more pleased when the food started coming out. Even the usually reserved Matthew exclaimed, "Good Lord, this baba ghanoush is off the chain!"

Halfway through the feast, Jesus noticed that Judas wasn't really eating much and hadn't said a word at the table.

"Judas, what's up homie? You've been acting weird lately." He called out across the delectable spread.

Fidgeting nervously with the latke on his plate and barely looking up, Judas managed to stutter out a response.

"N-nothing my Lord, I'm just not f-feeling good. I think it may be something I ate yesterday. M-May I be excused?"

"Yes, of course my son, go rest up and feel better." Jesus replied. All the while he knew that the most conniving of his apostles was up to something. Judas then got up and swiftly left the room. Too low for the others to hear, the superhuman Jesus noticed a lot of clinking, as if of many silver pieces, coming from the direction of Judas coin pouch as he made his exit.

The meal continued on and the guests got increasingly louder as the wine flowed more and more. James joked about the lepers that Jesus had recently healed, noting that they were all douche-bags except the one that came back and said 'thanks'. John guffawed heartily at another joke involving a tax collector, a rabbi, and twin lesbian Samaritans. Despite the ominous cloud hanging over their heads, Jesus and his remaining eleven managed to have an enjoyable meal together.

Jesus stood suddenly, clinking his wine goblet with a spoon; prepared to change the mood to a serious one.

"Gentleman, my sons, my brothers, let us not forget that I am to fulfill some heavy prophecies very shortly. Great pains may await you for bearing my name. Once I am gone, may you remember me every time you partake of wine and bread."

The apostles all raised their glasses in solemn agreement. The reality of the situation was starting to set in; they were all well-read in the prophecies. Peter quietly turned his head and wiped a tear from his eye. Despite the evening's earlier festivities, the short remainder of the feast was to be somber with low conversation and veiled grief.


	5. Tubers, Fauna and Betrayal

After leaving _Gourmet by Gilgamesh _Jesus and his eleven went out in search of the missing Judas. Exhausted after hours of searching late into the night, the task was called off and the melancholy, half-inebriated group headed to the nearby Garden of Gethsemane to retire for the day.

Although resting comfortably under a tree, the superior senses of Jesus were still at work. Awakened with a start long before sunrise, Jesus heard a large procession coming from afar. Leaping to his feet, he awakened his apostles with hushed words of urgency.

"My somewhat-loyal eleven, there are bad men coming to do bad things to me as we speak, and I must talk to you now while I can." He explained, pausing momentarily before starting again. "Sons of the Most High, I am Jesus Christ."

"The one that the Jews call their King and Lord," chimed in Peter.

"Yes, I've heard that." He sighed impatiently. " 'The Christ has healed the infirm by the hundreds' and 'were the Devil and his army here right now, he would consume the wicked with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse'. I AM Jesus Christ, and I see a group of men standing here with me in defiance of religious tyranny. You have come to know the true faith, faithful men that you are. What would you now do with this faith?" Jesus asked beseechingly.

"Lord, how can we bear your name and fight for our faith when the enemy's numbers are so great?" Thomas was nearly whimpering.

"Doubting Thomas, fight and you may die. Run and you'll be alive, at least for a short time. And should you survive many years from now, would you be willing to trade every one of those days in exchange for this one chance-this one chance to make a stand here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!" Jesus finished with a roar.

"Allah Akbar!" The eleven shouted in agreement.

All the while, the sound of the approaching procession continued to get louder and louder.

"Be ready men," Jesus encouraged, "steady… steady."

When the noisy throng finally made their way to the grove of olive trees that Jesus and his apostles were sleeping under, all were shocked to see that it was led by none other than Judas. All were shocked that is, except Jesus.

Stepping up to meet the force, Jesus firmly asked, "Who are you looking for?"

"Jesus the Nazarene," replied the officer standing next to Judas. He turned to Judas asking, "Which one is he?"

Sardonically blowing a kiss in Jesus direction, Judas segues his blown kiss into a pointing middle finger.

"There he is-the man, the myth, the legend, the Lord, Jesus- the carpenter's son!" He added sarcastically.

"Judas, why? Why o' fallen brother?" Bartholomew wailed loudly.

Covering his ears momentarily, Judas replied,"For Sabbath's sake Bart, why are you always so damn loud?" Judas then patted his coin purse, took a few cocky steps forward and with an arrogant air stated, "I did it for the money. An apostle gots to get paid bitches."

Although vastly outnumbered and out-gunned, the emboldened and now enraged loyal eleven started to charge forth from behind Jesus with blood-curdling howls of 'betrayer!', 'liar!', and 'demon!'

"SILENCE!" Jesus boomed, sending forth a shockwave that stopped everyone in their tracks. "Even though this sucks terrible balls, to fulfill the prophecies I must be taken by this sorry lot." He explained sadly.

"But lord…" begins James, his voice fading out when he saw Jesus' expression.

Annoyed with his apostles yet again, Jesus commanded them with a stern, confident voice.

"NO, do _not _take action now, but live on in my behalf to spread the word of the kingdom of heaven as I have told you a thousand times you knuckleheads."

Confused by his earlier passionate speech and his new command, the apostles drop their swords, copper knuckles, and spiked shepherd staves, scratching their heads. Without resistance, the military men bound Jesus and take him away.


	6. Lord Hot Potato

The next few days for Jesus were tiresome to say the least. Still bound, Jesus was first led to a former high priest named Annas to be questioned. Unappreciative of his tone and answers, those with Annas spit on Jesus and proceeded to smack him in the face, one servant even giving him the world's first ever backhanded pimp-smack.

Not knowing what to do with this problem of a man, Jesus was then passed on to the home of the current high priest, Caiaphas. Although being Passover, thereby being illegal under Jewish law, there was a group of Pharisees assembled at the dwelling of Caiaphas, prepared to hold a trial against him.

False witnesses came forth, claiming in the late-night kangaroo court that Jesus blasphemed the very temple of God itself, even drunkenly vomiting and urinating on temple grounds while dancing erotically to the lute and zither. Jesus was interrogated on these and other issues, to which he replied in limited fashion. Finally, the deal-breaker of all questions was then muttered. 'In the name of the Most High, I put thee under oath to sayeth before this court whether you are the Lord himself.'

Weary, beaten, and not caring what the others thought at that point, Jesus folded, replying, "I am he."

That was all the mock court needed to hear before another round of smacks, fists, and insults barraged Jesus.

"Prophesy me this Jesus-hole, who just struck you?" One smarmy guard taunted. Yet another loudly proclaimed Jesus beloved mother to be a rampant cocksucker. Still yet another cruel punisher claimed that his father enjoyed watching little boys go poop.

The abuse lasted well into the night. It was early in the morning before Jesus was finally processed and moved to the house of the Roman governor Pontius Pilate.

Wanting nothing to do with this entire debacle; Pilate questioned Jesus until he found a loophole. After learning that Jesus originally hailed from Galilee, Pilate ordered that he be sent to the ruler of Galilee - Herod Antipas (Herod being the very man who had Jesus' beloved John the Baptizer beheaded).

Herod, having heard of the many supposed miracles of Jesus, turned out to be an eager recipient for the Lord.

"Do show us some of your magic o' King of the Jews," he implored again and again. "Please turn my wife into an Arabian fuck-monster instead of this bovine husk of a queen. Better yet, conjure me forth a thousand gold pieces and a concubine with three breasts!"

Refusing to fold and use the power of the Holy Ghost in exchange for freedom, Jesus stood resolute, silent, and unmovable in the face of persecution once again. For the third time now, Jesus was mocked and smacked around like a temple prostitute that refused to pay her priest.

After getting bored of the disappointing meeting, Herod simply ordered Jesus back to Pilate to be dealt with accordingly.

Another day passed and it was with much chagrin that Pilate learns that the fate of Jesus lies in his hands once again. Not wanting to pass the death sentence onto someone he has no fault with, Pilate does his best to convince those around him to spare the Lord, but with little success. Pilate succumbs, giving into peer pressure just as he did the first time he smoked Pagan-weed. The Pharisees and ever-growing crowd have their way.

Another beating ensues, harsher and crueler than all received thus far combined. Jesus superhuman body is pushed to the limits; scourged with bone shrapnel whips, pummeled with petrified animal dung, and forced to eat raw gefilte fish.

Sadly, there are far worse things in store for the man, the legend, Jesus Christ…


	7. The Cross of Change

Having been judged by the Pharisees and mob by way of Pontius Pilate, Jesus was then led away to a place called Golgotha in order to be impaled along with two other common criminals. Wearing a crown of thorns and being forced to carry the weight of his own cross, the mind of Jesus raced. Would he be able to complete this formidable task? Would his followers continue to spread his name and message? Who came up with this crappy plan to save mankind? Why were his people, the Jews, such merciless ass-hats? Why were his apostles so annoying and dense?

Jesus was then stretched out onto a cross; temporarily supported by a Roman soldier that held his calves and filthy feet. A short, bald Jew with the odd name Pierrepoint stood atop a small ladder and hammered in the first nail. Jesus cried out in agony. Moments later, another nail penetrated both feet and his other hand. The soldier supporting him let go, and more pain wracks his body.

From his perch of suffering, Jesus saw some of his apostles in the crowd, but not all of them. He eyed Peter as he was approached repeatedly by Roman soldiers carrying shackles and sadly observed as he shrugged his shoulders in denial of whatever it was they were asking him. He also saw his ex-girlfriend, Mary Magdalene, the one who claimed she would never be with another man after having the Lord sew his wild oats in her thirsty Jewish beaver-cave. But alas, there Mary stood, with another man's arm around her. He also saw his mother, face bruised from an apparent beating. His father was next to her, looking as drunk as he normally did at mid-day, tool belt half falling off his Jew robe.

Mind still racing, with both emotional and pain tolerance waning, Jesus screamed at the top of his lungs, "WHY?" before falling silent for a long moment.

Jesus then repeated his rant, this time his voice as that of thunder; shaking the earth beneath the crowd and causing the sky to darken.

The torture of the cross had changed something deep within the Messiah.

Almost involuntarily, Jesus body began to expand with muscles that would make Samson jealous. His wounds healed in seconds, almost as if they were never there. With a mighty roar, he flexed his now immense right bicep; breaking off the corresponding piece of the cross. Reaching down, he freed his feet, and then repeated the task with his left arm.

Jesus now hovered above the ground beneath the demolished cross, wondering why the fuck he ever bothered walking in the first place.

_I AM the Lord after all_. He mused, smirking.

Choosing levitation as his new means of transport, Jesus now floated a comfortable two cubits off the ground.

Further terrifying the now scattered crowd, Jesus yet again looked to the sky and released a supernatural howl, loosely resembling the word 'why'. As the words left his mouth, a tightly circled streak of fire belched forth into the clouds.

Mind now clear, pain abolished, wrath unleashed, Jesus turned his attention to those around him. One by one- thin, bright beams of light emanate from Jesus' eyes, vaporizing the intended target every time.

"These are called lasers motherfuckers!" He screams with delight. "Fucking lasers for you all!"

As he chased down scurrying crowd members he encountered Mary with her new man.

"Man friend of Mary, what is thy name?" he demanded. Before the man can utter a sound, a bolt of lightning flies from the clouds above, killing him instantly.

After upper cutting Mary forty feet into the air with a now shining metallic fist, and drunk with murderous pleasure, Jesus summoned forth yet more of his powers to dispense on the wicked crowd that was to cheer his death.

Fleeing soldiers, Jews, court officials, and Pharisees were devoured by sand piranhas, vaporized with eye lasers, scorched with fire from his very mouth, struck down by lightning, and attacked by the re-animated corpses of those who had already fallen.

"ZOMBIES!" Jesus screamed, "I WILL RULE THIS EARTH WITH ZOMBIES!"

Pleased with his handiwork, Jesus paused after a solid hour's worth of serial massacre. Laying among the dead are Judas, Pilate, his supposed father, his ex, and the five apostles that bothered to show up for his execution. Releasing the zombies and dispersing the storm clouds above, Jesus calmly hovered over to the only living person in sight, his mother. Hugging her, he conjured a comfortably saddled camel, packed with gold coins, and instructed her to go safely home.


	8. Plan B

Word of the Golgotha massacre spread throughout all the lands. For many days and nights, all those in neighboring cities slept in fear, hoping that the divine avenger did not fancy obliterating their townships. Families of the dead wept and jesters played sad songs on their instruments accordingly.

Jesus now wandered the wilderness alone, bored and wondering what could have been had he stuck with the plan. Could he really have provided eternal salvation to all mankind? Could he really have endured a humiliating death and then risen up after three days? Too ashamed to revisit any of his familiar haunts, he walked the desert alone, racking his powerful but blood-guilty brain to somehow save humanity despite what had transpired.

Ravaged by guilt, many years pass as Jesus slowly explored south. Using his supernatural abilities, he began to take on many different forms and looks, trying to assimilate back into society. However, it was to no avail, as he often found himself alone in the wilderness after each attempt. He was never satisfied with a "normal" life in any city, with any woman, in any abode.

Many more years passed…

Never the quitter, Jesus amped himself up yet again as he approached a new city with skin color and features altered to match the natives. This time though, he had a completely new idea.

In this city Jesus decided to start his new identity and life at the local inn. Upon entering, he sat down, waiting for the burka'd innkeeper to approach him.

"Welcome to Mecca," she said, "I've not seen you here before. What is your name?"

As casually as possible, Jesus shifted in his seat and informed her, "You may refer to me as Muhammad. Praise be to Allah."

**A/N: Thank you to 22 for being such an excellent beta. **

**Apologies if this story offends anyone…**

**Just kidding, F*ck You. **


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